A Town Called Malice. 9/22/12

Well, four song titles in a row. If I go on like this I will end up having to burn a disc called “Songs In The Key Of Singledad”. As you may know, I am not a vindictive person. Beneath this bluff, crass, unbelievably thick and gittish exterior lies a soft, marshmallowy, fluffy bunny of a guy. However, when I set my mind to it, I can be a complete and utter bastard. As all my schoolmates know, I wasn’t at Graduation, as I’d told them all that it  wasn’t a big deal for me and I didn’t really see the point. That statement, to put it politely was a huge pile of total bullshit. I very, very much wanted to be there. The explanation I am about to give may very well strike you as cutting off my nose to spite my face, ( and many of you may well think that a complete rhinectomy would improve my looks no end) but I have my reasons.

There is only one thing that STBX hates more than yours truly, and that is my grad school and everyone associated with it. I realise that technically that is two things, but you get my point. As my leadership team will tell you, she went out of her way to make my intensives as miserable and isolating as possible.  This was brought home to me most clearly at the last intensive. I had so much fun, experienced so much love and was so overwhelmed by emotion  there that it truly hit me how much I had been denied. 

She treated me like a domestic servant ( to put it politely- think of me as an extra in “Gone With The Wind”) for so long, that when I had a chance to score a hit, I took it. It goes deeper than that, though.  I had no desire to introduce her to the people I care about so much and have to bite my tongue while doing so. I’m not enough of a hypocrite to stand there and smile and joke while she pretends to care about them.  I suffered months of hell simply because I had a conversation with someone who treated me as an equal. I was accused of planning to set  up a romantic tryst on the basis of this “Evidence” and suffered through a 3 hour long “Difficult Conversation”.  God forbid ( not that I believe in any God, but you know what I mean) that an intelligent, attractive woman should talk to me like a human being.

So, as you can see, there was no way I could have possibly gone to Graduation and not wanted to scream. Imagine if I had walked up to the above unnamed schoolmate and given her a hug.  Can you imagine the grief I would have gotten because of that?

 I was pretty hung over at the time, but I remember someone in circle at the last intensive  talking about always being a truth teller and always being your true authentic self. Well, that windbag may have been on to something. There is no way I could have been my true authentic self at Graduation, so rather than being a fraud I took the decision to stay away, knowing that some time in the future I would have to opportunity to meet with each of you and give you my full, true authentic self.    

Those of you who have met with me since then know that I am now living in authenticity and will continue to do so. I’m not malicious, but I hope you understand my rationale.


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