FROM SAFETY TO WHERE? 12/02/12
Having as much time on my hands as I do now, I’ve had the opportunity to think about how things have changed over the past few months. Emotionally stifling, constricting, unfulfilling and futile as it was, my prior life was at least safe. I wasn’t required to plan ahead beyond the usual daily routine of chores and parenthood, I knew exactly what the week ahead would be like, and that there was little likelihood of disruption.
Now, all that has changed. You may have noticed that I have been out in the world much more of late. In fact, I’ve been to more events in the last 2 months than in the previous 10 years. Now whilst all this is great fun, connecting and reconnecting with people, experiencing great talks and lectures, having wonderful conversations etc, it has an edge.
Firstly, I’m still jobless. I’m applying like crazy, networking whenever I can and keeping my eyes open, but so far, nothing. This segues into the money situation. I have an advance on my final settlement to tide me over until April ( hopefully), but this leaves me very little wiggle room, and if I don’t have a job by April or can’t extend my lease beyond the end of March, I’m up a certain creek without a certain implement. Not a good situation in which to find oneself. To put it mildly, I’m beginning to get a bit twitchy.
Don’t misunderstand me, there’s no going back, and at our next meeting, which is less than 2 weeks away, we will be signing the petition with the court. Big freaking step, in case you had any doubts. Also, lest you think I am on a downer, no. I’ve never been happier in my life. I’m able to be that true, authentic self I spoke about in circle and I’m having an amazing experience finding out who I really am. I’m not there yet, but like everything else associated with grad school, it’s all about the process. I may never actually reach the end of my journey, but at least I can rest assured that it will be a hell of a blast. Heck, those of you that have been around me recently must have seen the change of late, and I’m not just talking about the kamikaze pygmy hedgehog that is trying to suffocate me ( the “Mo”, in case you were wondering). Nor is it the forced camaraderie of the damned, partying in the burning rubble of Gotterdammerung.
I’m not exactly keen on the prospect of living in the car, and I know that couch surfing is out of the question, as is moving back into the old house and sleeping in the guest room. What sort of a confusing message would that send to the kids? besides, STBX and I are getting along better now than we ever did before. So, given all the above, I’m going to pledge not to slip back into the deep black – 2C, you remember January of 2011. Nor am I going to cower and beg. No, I’m going to embrace the change, embrace the edge of chaos and take whatever the winds of fate throw at me. As the great philosopher Hoban Washburne once said, “I am a leaf on the breeze, watch me soar”.