When Love Breaks Down.9/27/12

“When love breaks down, the things you do to stop the truth from hurting you.
When love breaks down, the lies we tell, they only serve to fool ourselves”.

For a kid in his mid 20s living in the small County Durham village of Witton Gilbert, Paddy Macaloon really knew what he was talking about.

Our love broke down about 15 years ago, and at the time I don’t think either of us realised it. At least I didn’t. But what do you expect from the worlds’ most unobservant man? For many years we just dropped our heads, threw one shoulder forward and marched into the oncoming wind and rain of everyday life in the hope that if we kept our eyes on the ground long enough we would eventually get some sunshine.  Alas, that never happened. I don’t even know if we even noticed if it was raining or not after a certain point.

What I did was simply to refuse to acknowledge the situation in any tangible way. I bottled up my resentment  and anger at the control exerted on every level of my life, and I hit back with passive – aggressive behaviours, contempt and outright (although hidden) acts of defiance that I knew would bring more anger and loss of trust once they were exposed. Rinse, repeat.

The lies I told were largely to myself – that things would improve, that it wasn’t that bad really, that I could be worse off.  Well, I was really only fooling myself.  The other lies were to STBX, that I would change, that it wouldn’t happen again, that I understood.  You probably get the picture.

I’m beginning to realise what a sham that life was. I’m feeling a sense of liberation I never had even when I was single.  I can have a conversation with someone without being scared that I will face a 3 hour difficult conversation about it (Believe me, this happened more than once).  I will hug whoever I want, and not feel like I have to hold  back or justify being out of the house in the evening.

As I wrote previously, I get the keys to my new place on Monday and  start moving my gear in. From that day on, “Fall be free as old confetti And paint the town, paint the town”.


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